Azkaban Musings
by Shinyzenith
Summary: After the first war, Sirius ended up in Azkaban. In one of his rare moments of freedom from the Dementors' influence, he gets a chance to think about everything that's happened...


**Azkaban Musings**

Sirius sighed as in a brief moment of sanity he could feel the sea breeze hit his face, the salty perfume clinging to his hair. Most of the time there were Dementors around, and he couldn't think clearly. All he knew then was the pain and despair of his worst memories. Now though, he could think for a short period of time. Never had he appreciated some quiet thinking time quite as much. The Dementors had drifted away from his cell, towards the other side of the prison for some reason. Maybe Bella needed a little extra attention, he thought amusedly.

With the Dementors gone, he could for a moment think again, but he still couldn't forget his biggest mistake. The worst mistake of his life. Even worse than sending Snape off towards the Shrieking Shack. He had regretted that immensely, and Remus had been right in his anger towards him.

But even that shame and guilt was nothing compared to the fact, the knowledge, that it was his fault that Lily and James were dead. That Harry had lost his parents and godfather. Though Sirius was sure he wouldn't want a godfather like him. And Sirius certainly didn't deserve a godson like Harry. Maybe Harry could be happy with Remus. Sirius hoped he was. They both deserved happiness.

The thought of Harry caused him to smile sadly. He still remembered when he put his little godson to bed the last time. Whispering mischievously in his ear he would learn him to dance one day, so he could charm any girl in the world. But Sirius would never get that chance now.

And Peter was the traitor. It was he who had betrayed them. Sirius had never seen it coming. He had thought it was Moony, the werewolf. The thought of little weak Peter Pettigrew being the traitor had never even entered his mind. He should've known though. Should've known that Wormtail wasn't really visiting his sick mother that often. Should've seen that he was acting suspicious, that it was him, and not Remus they had to watch out for.

Sirius snorted bitterly as he remembered the time he had asked Peter whether he could come with him to visit his mother. Wanting to offer moral support. But Peter had looked uncomfortable, and Sirius had quickly backed off. Not wanting to offend his friend. "I shouldn't have asked", he had said hastily. Looking relieved when Peter acted normal again afterwards. Not once the thought crossing his mind that he could be hiding something.

How had he ever been able to think that it could be Remus then? Remus would have died for all of them. Sirius didn't know a more loyal person than Remus. And wasn't it Peter that had one day ratted them out to McGonagall when she had caught him after they scattered away from a prank they pulled? Even though they had promised each other never to do such a thing?

But they had forgiven him. After all, he had just panicked. He hadn't meant to betray them. And what was another detention anyway? They should've, no, Sirius should've realised at that point though, that they couldn't trust Peter. That Wormtail wasn't completely loyal. But he had never realised, he had always seen the best in his friends. Something he was proud of, but which had also cost him everything. Now all he could do was hope Harry and Remus would be all right. So he did.

Suddenly a chilling wave of air washed over him, and he started to shiver again. They're back, he thought resignedly.

He stepped away from the bars, back to his usual corner. The warmest corner of the cell. He curled up on the ground again, transforming into Padfoot, keeping the worst thoughts at bay. So he could remain sane. Sane for the day that he could get out of there. And try to make up for his mistakes. Try to be there for Harry.

Though he had actually no idea at all how long he had been there. It could be a month. Or a year, or even a decade. It felt like an eternity to him. It had been torture from the moment he had arrived, and it didn't seem like that torture would end any time soon.

He had thought at first that he would get out pretty soon. That Dumbledore would pull a few strings, and that he would be free again. Free to hunt down the rat Wormtail, and finally properly get rid of him. Those thoughts had soon been reduced to mere figments of hope.

He had realised that Dumbledore wouldn't get him out. Dumbledore didn't know he hadn't done it. They had fooled even Dumbledore, even made the greatest wizard alive think that he was the Secret Keeper, and not Peter. James and him had laughed about it together. They had laughed about how it was the best prank on the magical world they had ever pulled, and would ever be able to pull. Talked about how they would laugh about it for years to come.

But Lily had disagreed. She had said that they should tell Dumbledore at the very least. That he should know. That he deserved to know. Because Dumbledore would be able to help. He could make it work even better. And he could help them prepare a fail-safe. But James and Sirius had been too arrogant. They hadn't believed it was necessary. They thought themselves geniuses. They thought it was good for Dumbledore to get fooled once in a while. That's what they told themselves.

But Lily had been right. They had been wrong. They should've told Albus. That way this whole mess could've been avoided. Dumbledore wasn't the greatest wizard of their age for nothing. He was both magically talented and very wise. He would've seen the flaws. He would've been able to help.

It was too late now though. James and Lily were dead. Harry was an orphan. Sirius was locked up in Azkaban, but that was only what he deserved. Remus was alone again, with no one to help during the full moon.

And Peter, that little bastard, Peter had escaped. He had escaped and was probably living a luxurious life somewhere in the Muggle world. Manipulating Muggles to do his bidding. Sirius just wanted revenge. He knew he deserved to rot in Azkaban for eternity for what he did, but first, he wanted revenge on that lying, cheating, traitorous little scrap of cowardice he and his friends had called Wormtail affectionately. He wanted to kill that little bastard. he wanted to kill him and enjoy it. That was all there was left to do for him.

But if he could ever prove his innocence, then he just hoped Harry would still want him as his godfather. He knew he didn't deserve it, but yet Sirius couldn't help but hope. Maybe he could even one day enjoy running around with Moony again on a full moon. But that seemed unlikely. He was stuck in Azkaban, for what seemed like an eternity, with no end in sight. Even though he was innocent...

His thoughts drifted off further into the despair of guilt as the Dementors filled his mind with memories of his mistakes.


End file.
